Response to Trish's Blog: Week 3

Suzanne B. said...
I have been in a few classes where we've discussed physical expectations for women, the media's obsession with it, consequences such as anorexia, etc. Did you know the average height for a model is 5' 10" and their average weight is 110. 110 lbs!! I haven't weighed that since 8th grade! Equally as disturbing, I picked up a magazine in a waiting room this week, and there was a story about how Britany Spears lost 15 pounds in one month and looks great--so says the media. Well...one of the captions with before and after photos said "Here's Brittany at 5' 4" and a HUSKY 123 lbs. Now she's down to 108 and looking great." Are they kidding???? So when America collectively nodded their heads in agreement that Brittany was fat and sloppy at the Music Awards, she still only weighed 123 pounds!! Shame, shame on all of us. I can't remember which magazine it was...there was a stack of the usual suspects-- People, Glamour, etc. Regardless, "Husky" and "at 5'4" and 123 pounds" should never be used in the same sentence. It's no wonder 50% of girls aged 9 admit to being on a diet at least once in their (short, impressionable) lives!
May 30, 2008 10:13 PM

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

In consideration of our discussion about the media-imposed portrayal of women, I began to think about whether I am--though we all think we're immune-- a product of the media's expectations of gender roles. I know I am a "girlie-girl" in a hair/shoes/makeup/nails/shopping/shoes/flowers/valentines/did I say shoes?/romance/spa-day/hand-holding kind-of-way. There are other aspects of my life where I don't necessarily subscribe to society's rules and expectations for me as a woman, and I do it my way. But there are times when being traditional-mommy seems like it would be good for my kids, and I try-- really I do. So one day when I was really stressed and under a bunch of deadlines and I was mommy-on-demand for my 14 month old, I started to crumble. But before I did, I made a really mean & selfish comment to the baby (she couldn't possibly know what I was saying) in an attempt to make myself feel better. I started mumbling about how if it wasn't for her, I'd be waxed, and plucked, and tanned, and highlighted, and massaged, and manicured, and coiffured, and bejeweled, and designer-dressed, and perfumed, and de-wrinkled, and botoxed, and surgically enhanced, and...I think I went on for twenty or so minutes. And then I felt awful. I decided that confessing this horrific maternal disgrace to a very few (exactly three: one close friend and two family members) would absolve the guilt I feel every time I look at my sun-shiny, happy, brilliant, smiley, toe-headed miracle. My aunt, who is one of the chosen three and is such because she is the 58 year old version of me (though much wiser and more educated than I) sent the following. She knew I would cherish it forever and would share it appropriately. Consider yourself warned if you can (a) locate and (b) know how to use the attachments on your vacuum and (c) this is relevant because you haven't hired a cleaning person since you "can do it better." Enjoy:

THE WORLD 'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE...

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry
me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after
and went shopping, dancing, yachting, drank martini's, always had
a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she
wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many
lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself.
She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore
friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self
esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in everything
including sweat pants and was pleasant all the time. The End.

Response to Dori's Week#2 Blog

As a parent of a child who so is so convicted about being a "girl", this would be a tough one. I would think that they would have considered ongoing therapy at least for the sake of dealing with the societal issues and reactions from peers as Jennifer mentioned. It definitely would be hard to decide between being true to oneself or being trapped inside a body that did not feel as it belonged to them.There is however, mention in our text that "although the first few years are important in shaping gender, they are not absolute determinants of our gender across the life span." It goes on to say that our understanding of gender and of our personal gender identity change over time as we develop personally and as we interact with diverse people who embody alternative versions of masculinity and femininity. It will be interesting to see how this boy's story develops over time.
May 23, 2008 5:29 PM

Mars and Venus Revisited

It’s probably a safe assumption to say that those of you who know John Gray (Wood mentions in the text) are married—or were! For those who don’t, he’s the guy who’s made a gazillion dollars talking, writing, and selling millions of products about how men’s & women’s communication is different through his book called “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” (and a whole assortment of similarly named media). I’m not a Gray disciple, but I was stuck in the car once on a very long ride to a customer while the Vice President of the company was driving/multi-tasking on the way by listening to Gray’s book on audio in an attempt to save his marriage. (Interestingly enough, the VP came out of the closet and moved in with his gay lover from New Orleans shortly before the company was bought out by a huge multi-national corp.) Though Wood seems to discredit John Gray in our text, most of her points are the same that Gray makes only worded differently.

One of the biggest male-female communication misunderstandings used to happen weekly, if not daily at our house. Because I know this, I try desperately to avoid it. It’s the “I just want to vent because I’ve had a hard day and I’m a woman and venting is my preferred method of stress management and I’m going to vent to you because you’re my husband and you’re standing in front of me but just listen to me and let me roll on with it or you’re going to force me to call my best friend but while I’m talking just listen and look like you care and when I’m done don’t offer up some primitive piece of advice like “just ignore it” to make yourself feel better for “fixing it” because then I’ll know you weren’t listening and all I want is to vent, feel better, and move on and not fix anything at all which you can’t understand because you are a man.” So to summarize: Women are from Venus and want to communicate by verbally throwing up all over you and will feel better for it (dontcha always feel better after puking?) and men are from Mars and want to fix things and won’t feel better until they do. And when we refuse their help and accuse them of not communicating they don’t get it and we get hurt. Soooooooo….I’ve learned to vent to my friends and speak to my husband like I would one of the guys. For instance, I skip the complaining and what should I do about “x” conversation (that’s for the girls) and start with him at the point of “I’m thinking of doing x”, “what do you think? Would that work for us?” and let him fix it. So I’m not ignoring the fact that this is a marriage and it’s important to both of us and we do need to communicate—but I’m putting it at his level. Trust me, it works. Get over the fact that he’s not the one to dump on when he walks in the door. This leads me to the next point…
When we vent all over them, we give them the fodder for calling “us” nags, bitches, complainers, never happy, just like our mothers, etc. etc. Stereotyping at its worst! I want my husband to like me as much as love me. And I want to like him back just as much. We are different, that’s why we’re in this class after all. But all it takes is just a little practice and you’re whole galaxy will be a happier place.

Response to Jenai's Blog on May 12th, 10:37 pm

Children absolutely absorb and internalize the feedback they get in response to their behaviors. Negative and positive reinforcement is soooo effective on a small child. For instance, at a very young age (around 18 months) my daughter started imitating everything she saw the Disney Princesses do on the videos she watched. Interestingly enough, she didn't imitate the male characters or actors except for Dick Van Dyke ("Burt") in Mary Poppins-- I think she loved his dancing. She learned to curtsy, dance, "dip", bow, shake hands, and perform all sorts of mannerisms and body actions that any of her "favorite" characters displayed. But then, I have to consider, did they quickly become her favorites because we cheered and clapped and told her how beautiful she looked and what a great dancer she was? Our reinforcement of her imitating the beautiful princesses was all that was needed to send her on her way. Next came the dresses, shoes and other accessories (thank you Disney store) and a trip to Disney World to seal our fate. She carried a magic wand for about 6 months and wouldn't leave the house in anything that didn't have a crinolin skirt fluffing around her (we put the flouncy dresses right over her clothes all winter). Since she's had the opportunity to interact with more kids lately (park, play group, etc.) she's learning to play rough with the boys and stopped curtsying-- guess she hadn't seen that one in use in public anywhere. But for the first two years of her life, she mostly had us- all adults and a 16 yr old sister with a houseful of teenage friends. There weren't any other little ones around, so Disney princesses were her reference to what girls should be. Scary to consider, but she is a really good dancer and singer for 2 1/2 yrs old! But she's still a mimic, and when my father-in-law puts a curled fist up to his mouth and clears his throat in a very manly geture, Kai does the same thing after she coughs or chokes on something. It's hysterical to watch, but certainly eye-opening to the ways in which they learn.

Week #1 Class Business

There are so many people who contribute to our lives (and the lives of our children)—whether as hands-on caregivers or inspirationally. It’s been said that it takes a village to raise a child, and I believe it’s as true now as when it was originally spoken (or written?).

Growing up, my family was the traditional mom, dad, brother and me model. When my younger brother became school-aged, mom went back to work. Neighbors, friends, and grandparents helped out with “before” and “after” care over the years.

As I got older, there were many others whom-- like my favorite aunt, my first boss who is a Real Estate icon in Middlesex County and referred to herself as my “Jewish Mother”, my best friend’s brother who died of AIDS after a 9 year battle, and my former mother-in-law (what is the PC name for her since divorcing her son?...) -- contributed as either caregiver or influencer or both and helped me formulate who I am. They cared for me physically, but also taught me many things like to be honest, proud, fair, cynical, caring, loving, and empathetic, among others.

I don’t think Hallmark or any ecard could ever come close to describing who and what these people are to me—and some will affect still yet another generation, my children. Could there possibly be one word to describe them? Friend? Nurturer? Teacher? Guru? Nurse? Like Muir said, “we’re all hitched to the universe”. Are they all just the fabric of a collective soul? Are they each a square in my “quilt of life”? Maybe. And if so, perhaps I celebrate them each day of my life because I carry them with me wherever I go. And this Mother’s Day, when my two girls celebrate the person they call “mom”, they actually are celebrating all the people, places, conversations, songs, tears, and joys that have touched my life. Maybe Muir should have petitioned Hallmark for “Universe Day”

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