Suzanne B. said...
OMG…I just typed a whole response to you and then I lost my signal (wireless) after I hit submit and lost it all!!! Here I go again…I resigned from my job in 1992 when I had my older daughter Lauren and stayed home until she was 3. I received my associate’s degree during this time, and then was totally shocked when I went back into the workforce. I didn’t expect that telling prospective employers you were just home for 3 years with your child was taboo! They would just look at me like—“Oh great, and since you look like you have a few years of breeding left in you, I guess you’ll quit on me when you have the next one!” Well little did they know, that I was intent on divorcing Lauren’s dad as soon as I could support myself thanks to the pent up resentment I acquired while staying home with her. My mantra was “one down, none to go.” I swore I would never put myself in the position of being totally dependent on a man, nor would I allow myself or my daughter be trapped by financial issues. I went on to become very successful in a male-dominated industry (electronic manufacturing) and wanted my daughter to see that being responsible and not totally dependent were good qualities.I met my current husband Jeff at work. Though we were at the same company for a few years, we didn’t date until actually two years after I left the company. The point is—he saw me as an equal, a partner, not a “potential mate” or “sex object”. He saw how I worked-- my ethics, my character, how I related to people and treated my staff. This was a great foundation for a relationship. However, now that I am staying home with Kai, (I resigned in 2006 and am going to school for my bachelor’s and teaching certification while I’m not “working”), I am trying to ward off the resentment I had when I stayed home with Lauren. It’s really tough. I guess there are still many things I need to learn about myself because I’m having a hard time. I’m glad I’m home with Kai—don’t misunderstand. She’s smart and healthy and happy and it’s what I wanted for all of us. But you mention the psychological well-being and I know firsthand that if things aren’t right, psychological issues become chronic physical illness. Also, you mentioned having a support system, which I do not. My immediate family is all in Florida and my best friend is an hour away in central jersey and due to her 3rd divorce and current recovery from alcohol addiction, she isn’t exactly available. And since Lauren is at her dad’s half of the time, I don’t have the built-in baby sitter everyone thinks I do. In fact, Kai is at my side unless I’m paying someone $10 an hour—Jeff travels a lot—and this includes the time I spend in class (as if tuition weren’t enough, I get to shell out $40 every night I’m on campus.) There are times I feel like a “single mom”. I know that doesn’t give enough credit to the women who truly are, but that’s what I call myself when I’m feeling alone and no one is there to lend a hand. In time I’ll be back at work and Kai will be in school. Until then it’s hard not contributing to our household income with a “paycheck”, yet I’m so exhausted because I’m “working” all of the time. Just gotta keep that resentment from creeping in…I’d hate to think I need to hire another divorce lawyer in one lifetime!
June 14, 2008 12:42 AM
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I understand the frustration and resentment that must build up. Hopefully, the fact that you are working on your degree and desired career will help you survive it all! Stay the course! You will look back on it differently someday. Funny, we hear stories of working woman who wish that that could afford to stay home and bond with their child. I know that if I had to give up teaching that I would probably develop many of these feelings... I feel like we are set up in this society to be caught in this either or situation. My husband (Asst Prof) has many times considered leaving his current teaching job for another university which would mean resigning from my teaching postion. He has always taken that into consideration and many times, has turned them down. He sees my work and accomplishments... and, coming from college teaching background can appreciate my positiion. But, on the flip side, during breaks between semesters when I can spend more time with my daughter and I see mothers in the park at 10am pushing their babies on the swings next to mine, ...I wonder...how can they afford to stay home? Do they like not working? Are they happy and fulfilled? Do they resent not exploring more of their gifts? Why would any woman choose to "just stay home"? And,I think that as much as I miss not being home full time (at times), I would miss teaching and connecting with students and being a "thinking" person...I like that I have the choice...You have the choice too...keep your eye on the prize..that degree is right around the corner. It is still a confusing situation and many times not supported by this society for woman to be career oriented but, we have come a long way! We see an occasional country music song or movie come out with "Mr.Mom:" (notice the word Mom there, defines the chores at home doesn't it?) I don't think women should have to make these choices necessarily, and it shouldn't revert to women as the natural ones to stay at home all the time..but, again, at least we do have choices these days. Maybe, some day our families will evolve into different decisions for the spouses.. Hang in there! And, I hear ya, my sitter is $10.00 an hour too. (So, think how much I am paying). Wouldn't it be nice in this country if we not only had better laws for family leave but, a society that supported us with daycare facilities too! We need more CEO's as women! The more we can diversify our workforce the better it will become for everyone, mothers, fathers, women, men, children..new blood, new ideas, change. I have enjoyed reading your posts all semester. They are intelligent posts. You are not only a good writer but come up with ideas that have depth to them.
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