Ok Prof M...you got me thinking! I was lucky enough to avoid Teletubbie-ism as my daughter Lauren was too old to watch them when they broke into public television. Kai is actually out-growing them! She loved them when she was a little less than a year and now she chooses other shows over Teletubbies. I think babies and young children love the show because it is so simple yet colorful and musical. I found them perfect for afternoons when Kai was not sleeping and I had gotten a collective 4 1/2 hours of sleep-- in two days. They're just the right level of non-educational tv we all need on occasion. But the reference to gender you asked about in terms of kids tv-- well, how could I not dig up the stuff about Tinky-Winky possibly being gay because he carried a "purse?" Perhaps he was public television's first transgendered child's character? I'm being unfair :) It was really a "magic bag" and the rest is in the imagination of totally homophobic folks like Jerry Falwell:
Tinky Winky Controversies (from Wikkipedia)
One of the Teletubbies, Tinky Winky, started a still hinted-at controversy in 1999 due to his carrying a bag that looks much like a woman's handbag (although he was first "outed" by the academic and cultural critic Andy Medhurst in a letter of July 1997 to The Face).
A February 1999 article in the National Liberty Journal, published by evangelical pastor Jerry Falwell, warned parents that Tinky Winky could be a hidden homosexual symbol, because "he is purple, the gay pride colour, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle, the gay pride symbol". [2]
A spokesman for Itsy Bitsy Entertainment Co., who licenses the characters in the United States, said that the bag was just a magic bag. "The fact that he carries a magic bag doesn't make him a homosexual. It's a children's show, folks. To think we would be putting sexual innuendo in a children's show is kind of outlandish", he added.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Week 6: Response to Zulma
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this subject. I did see this on the front page of the NYT but didn't get around to blogging until today. I know a gay couple who has been "married" since 1988 and have a really strong & balanced relationship--even considering what the book has to say about issues that gay couples encounter that hetero couples don't. I also know another couple who is the most generous, caring, and community-minded couple out of anyone I know. It doesn't matter that these people are in same-sex marriages. What matters is that they are decent, empathetic, philanthropic, loving individuals who respect each other and humankind. These people deserve the tax and other benefits that married hetero's are privileged with. There is nothing to explain to society other than these are two people who love each other and in their commitment to each other and God (they are Christians) they make the world a better place. This probably can't be said for most straight couples we know, which doesn't make them better, but certainly not any less deserving.
June 20, 2008 3:50 PM
June 20, 2008 3:50 PM
Week 6: Response to Prof M
I went through the Nick Jr. vegetative state with my older daughter Lauren. She was born in 1992 so I caught Barney, Sesame Street, as well as the Disney repertoire of princess videos. Now with my daughter Kai (2 1/2 yrs. old) we are slaves to Nick, Nick Jr., Sprout, PBS, and the timeless Disney movies are back. My husband thought I was demented when I could recall every line of Mary Poppins the first time I watched it with Kai. It was poetic justice the day I caught him humming "Supercalifragiliciousexpialidocious" while grilling. As for gender roles--there's definitely been some progress. It isn't all about princesses being saved by previously unknown princes with a single magical kiss. (Yeah, like that works, huh girls?!) Dora & Kai-lan (my daughter is starting to realize her name is the same as Kai-lan, she says "she Kai name too") and the Wonderpets (my husband's favorite) all make things happen. Once has to consider though, how Dora and Boots consult "the map" when there's a place they need to go. Big red flag here-- Diego, Dora's boy cousin with own 30 min gig--does not have a singing map in his show. Hmmmmm...perhaps he has a navigation system in his "rescue pack". So maybe they're still somewhat biased, but not as bad as "the old days" of cartoons. The Wonderpets (my husband's favorite)on Nick Jr. are non-gendered (I think) & they stress rescuing baby animals via teamwork. My Kai wanted to help me water our flowers outside, and when she got the hose in her hands she actually started singing the "What's gonna work? Teamwork" song. I almost cried. Tomorrow's lesson: sock-sorting, the ultimate familial teamwork challenge.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Week #5 MomsRising
I was happy to see there is the grassroots movement called MomsRising! Their mission, which is dedicated to changing government and institutional policies that make it difficult or impossible for parents to simultaneously engage in paid labor and care responsibly for children, is so necessary in this country. I feel this is the plight of millions of Americans—men and women! While I worked for a global corporation, I knew many women who were raising families while working. In fact, some of them were pregnant while I worked with them and went out on maternity leave. What I quickly learned, was that Americans have the worst maternity plan in the world—unless you work for a company with a paid maternity leave (and I don’t mean the measly 6 weeks of disability some of us get)—there isn’t one! Since I was in sales, I got paid a salary (40% of compensation) and a commission (60% of comp.) Well, disability is based on your salary, not on total compensation—so I got hosed! But the really disturbing part is when you compare us to other countries. For instance, 6 weeks after the birth of Kai I was expected back at work. In Canada, my co-worker would be off for 12 months with her new baby boy and would collect a “state” check. When she returned, she would have the same exact job, title, and pay (including any retroactive raises) as when she left. My neighbor moved to France and married a Frenchman there. They are now expecting their first child in July. Her company contracts with their pregnant employees to provide them a 2 year maternity/paternity leave with 2/3 salary paid to them for the duration of their leave. Many folks come back to work before their 2 years is up, work for a while, then get pregnant again and go back out for another 2 years. OK, so Canada and France have their issues and tax problems, but so do we. And don’t even get me started on Sweden. Neighbors of mine had both of their children their and it cost them $50 each. The gov’t provided formula, diapers, medical service and day-care so they could go back to work (they chose to do so when the boys were 2 & 4 yrs old, respectively.) There are probably many other examples of this elsewhere in the world. But it saddens me that we Americans—the richest country in the world (I think)—have to choose between our children and work. Hopefully MomsRising can help make changes that will allow us to provide for our families without making drastic choices. We don’t have to have years of state-paid leave…but allowing us to keep our jobs and maintain a level of income that adequately supports our families while enjoying their childhoods would be so much more rewarding.
Week #5 Response to Shonte
Suzanne B. said...
OMG…I just typed a whole response to you and then I lost my signal (wireless) after I hit submit and lost it all!!! Here I go again…I resigned from my job in 1992 when I had my older daughter Lauren and stayed home until she was 3. I received my associate’s degree during this time, and then was totally shocked when I went back into the workforce. I didn’t expect that telling prospective employers you were just home for 3 years with your child was taboo! They would just look at me like—“Oh great, and since you look like you have a few years of breeding left in you, I guess you’ll quit on me when you have the next one!” Well little did they know, that I was intent on divorcing Lauren’s dad as soon as I could support myself thanks to the pent up resentment I acquired while staying home with her. My mantra was “one down, none to go.” I swore I would never put myself in the position of being totally dependent on a man, nor would I allow myself or my daughter be trapped by financial issues. I went on to become very successful in a male-dominated industry (electronic manufacturing) and wanted my daughter to see that being responsible and not totally dependent were good qualities.I met my current husband Jeff at work. Though we were at the same company for a few years, we didn’t date until actually two years after I left the company. The point is—he saw me as an equal, a partner, not a “potential mate” or “sex object”. He saw how I worked-- my ethics, my character, how I related to people and treated my staff. This was a great foundation for a relationship. However, now that I am staying home with Kai, (I resigned in 2006 and am going to school for my bachelor’s and teaching certification while I’m not “working”), I am trying to ward off the resentment I had when I stayed home with Lauren. It’s really tough. I guess there are still many things I need to learn about myself because I’m having a hard time. I’m glad I’m home with Kai—don’t misunderstand. She’s smart and healthy and happy and it’s what I wanted for all of us. But you mention the psychological well-being and I know firsthand that if things aren’t right, psychological issues become chronic physical illness. Also, you mentioned having a support system, which I do not. My immediate family is all in Florida and my best friend is an hour away in central jersey and due to her 3rd divorce and current recovery from alcohol addiction, she isn’t exactly available. And since Lauren is at her dad’s half of the time, I don’t have the built-in baby sitter everyone thinks I do. In fact, Kai is at my side unless I’m paying someone $10 an hour—Jeff travels a lot—and this includes the time I spend in class (as if tuition weren’t enough, I get to shell out $40 every night I’m on campus.) There are times I feel like a “single mom”. I know that doesn’t give enough credit to the women who truly are, but that’s what I call myself when I’m feeling alone and no one is there to lend a hand. In time I’ll be back at work and Kai will be in school. Until then it’s hard not contributing to our household income with a “paycheck”, yet I’m so exhausted because I’m “working” all of the time. Just gotta keep that resentment from creeping in…I’d hate to think I need to hire another divorce lawyer in one lifetime!
June 14, 2008 12:42 AM
OMG…I just typed a whole response to you and then I lost my signal (wireless) after I hit submit and lost it all!!! Here I go again…I resigned from my job in 1992 when I had my older daughter Lauren and stayed home until she was 3. I received my associate’s degree during this time, and then was totally shocked when I went back into the workforce. I didn’t expect that telling prospective employers you were just home for 3 years with your child was taboo! They would just look at me like—“Oh great, and since you look like you have a few years of breeding left in you, I guess you’ll quit on me when you have the next one!” Well little did they know, that I was intent on divorcing Lauren’s dad as soon as I could support myself thanks to the pent up resentment I acquired while staying home with her. My mantra was “one down, none to go.” I swore I would never put myself in the position of being totally dependent on a man, nor would I allow myself or my daughter be trapped by financial issues. I went on to become very successful in a male-dominated industry (electronic manufacturing) and wanted my daughter to see that being responsible and not totally dependent were good qualities.I met my current husband Jeff at work. Though we were at the same company for a few years, we didn’t date until actually two years after I left the company. The point is—he saw me as an equal, a partner, not a “potential mate” or “sex object”. He saw how I worked-- my ethics, my character, how I related to people and treated my staff. This was a great foundation for a relationship. However, now that I am staying home with Kai, (I resigned in 2006 and am going to school for my bachelor’s and teaching certification while I’m not “working”), I am trying to ward off the resentment I had when I stayed home with Lauren. It’s really tough. I guess there are still many things I need to learn about myself because I’m having a hard time. I’m glad I’m home with Kai—don’t misunderstand. She’s smart and healthy and happy and it’s what I wanted for all of us. But you mention the psychological well-being and I know firsthand that if things aren’t right, psychological issues become chronic physical illness. Also, you mentioned having a support system, which I do not. My immediate family is all in Florida and my best friend is an hour away in central jersey and due to her 3rd divorce and current recovery from alcohol addiction, she isn’t exactly available. And since Lauren is at her dad’s half of the time, I don’t have the built-in baby sitter everyone thinks I do. In fact, Kai is at my side unless I’m paying someone $10 an hour—Jeff travels a lot—and this includes the time I spend in class (as if tuition weren’t enough, I get to shell out $40 every night I’m on campus.) There are times I feel like a “single mom”. I know that doesn’t give enough credit to the women who truly are, but that’s what I call myself when I’m feeling alone and no one is there to lend a hand. In time I’ll be back at work and Kai will be in school. Until then it’s hard not contributing to our household income with a “paycheck”, yet I’m so exhausted because I’m “working” all of the time. Just gotta keep that resentment from creeping in…I’d hate to think I need to hire another divorce lawyer in one lifetime!
June 14, 2008 12:42 AM
Friday, June 13, 2008
Week #5 Response to Jenai
Suzanne B. said...
Hi Jenai...Like you , I didn't realize how many different definitions there are for "feminism" and "feminist." I just assumed it meant something along the lines of an assertive, perhaps androgynous woman who was seeking equality with men in terms of career opportunities,political aspirations, equal pay for equal work, etc. It was interesting to read about liberal feminists, power feminism, multiracial feminism, the various waves of feminism, and even anti-feminists. Who knew? Also, I thought feminism was a 70's thing, but given the issues that we still encounter as women such as violence, inequalities in earnings, and let's not forget that "second shift" & psychological responsibilities it makes total sense that these groups still have much to work for.
June 13, 2008 11:25 PM
Hi Jenai...Like you , I didn't realize how many different definitions there are for "feminism" and "feminist." I just assumed it meant something along the lines of an assertive, perhaps androgynous woman who was seeking equality with men in terms of career opportunities,political aspirations, equal pay for equal work, etc. It was interesting to read about liberal feminists, power feminism, multiracial feminism, the various waves of feminism, and even anti-feminists. Who knew? Also, I thought feminism was a 70's thing, but given the issues that we still encounter as women such as violence, inequalities in earnings, and let's not forget that "second shift" & psychological responsibilities it makes total sense that these groups still have much to work for.
June 13, 2008 11:25 PM
Monday, June 9, 2008
Week 4: "Second Shift"
Many of us have heard of and/or experience what sociologist Arlie Hochschild calls the “second” shift. This is what is referred to as the “second job” employed women have in their own home. It’s the other “job” we do when we get home: cooking, cleaning, laundry, counseling, chauffeuring, scheduling, tutoring, planning, and whatever else the rest of the household doesn’t do that falls into the woman’s agenda. Not only is the second shift exhausting, it is unappreciated, taken for granted, and downright resented when the kids and hubby just want some attention and loving from mom. Let’s not forget to mention the psychological responsibility we assume as wives and mothers. It’s not enough to come home and entertain much of what I mentioned above in a single night, but we also have to consider the mental exhaustion that accompanies “the other stuff”. This is the responsibility of remembering this “stuff” which is, but not limited to: scheduled appointments for all family members such as: doctors, dentists, orthodontists, pediatricians, dermatologists, chiropractor, and hair; my husband’s business travel schedule, babysitters, shopping for the house which includes “inventory control”, meal planning, personal products, sale items, bulk items, school & home office supplies, health food store only items, prescriptions including renewals & pick-ups, consumer research for major purchases such as furniture, bedding, appliances, lawn, garden & patio supplies, vacation planning, more scheduling, birthday parties (to throw and attend), gift purchases, family obligations, and let’s not forget all of my family’s planning needs to orbit around the semi-fixed schedule I have with my ex-husband as to when my older daughter is here at my house or at her dad’s. I actually have to coordinate the scheduling of when my family comes to visit from Florida, our vacations, and any other major life-events in conjunction with my ex’s new family and their multitude of significant happenings.
I’m sure this is a fraction of what the mother of a larger family would attend to when including after-school sports, ballet, and whatever else the kids are doing that season. It shouldn’t surprise us, that there are health consequences to be paid for all of this psychological babble in our heads and the endless array of lists and planning devices used to keep it all at our fingertips wherever we may be. Extreme stress, fatigue, and being susceptible to illness are just a few of the prizes we win for doing more than our fair share. I don’t know what the answer is. I’ve tried delegating some of this to uh-hum, you know who. And he has planned & booked most of the family’s vacations in recent years. But he still needs my input on the schedule thing, and hitting the “book now” button doesn’t alleviate the stress of wondering, “Do we all have passports? My name changed 4 years ago but my passport didn’t and I’m sure he booked me under ‘Brown’ not my maiden, oh shit now I need to get a new passport; and the baby doesn’t have one; and Lauren’s expired cause kids only last for 5 years and he’s thinking ten; and now I have to get Lauren’s Dad to notarize the absent parent form…..ugh.” See what I mean?...
I’m sure this is a fraction of what the mother of a larger family would attend to when including after-school sports, ballet, and whatever else the kids are doing that season. It shouldn’t surprise us, that there are health consequences to be paid for all of this psychological babble in our heads and the endless array of lists and planning devices used to keep it all at our fingertips wherever we may be. Extreme stress, fatigue, and being susceptible to illness are just a few of the prizes we win for doing more than our fair share. I don’t know what the answer is. I’ve tried delegating some of this to uh-hum, you know who. And he has planned & booked most of the family’s vacations in recent years. But he still needs my input on the schedule thing, and hitting the “book now” button doesn’t alleviate the stress of wondering, “Do we all have passports? My name changed 4 years ago but my passport didn’t and I’m sure he booked me under ‘Brown’ not my maiden, oh shit now I need to get a new passport; and the baby doesn’t have one; and Lauren’s expired cause kids only last for 5 years and he’s thinking ten; and now I have to get Lauren’s Dad to notarize the absent parent form…..ugh.” See what I mean?...
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Response to Trish's Blog: Week 3
Suzanne B. said...
I have been in a few classes where we've discussed physical expectations for women, the media's obsession with it, consequences such as anorexia, etc. Did you know the average height for a model is 5' 10" and their average weight is 110. 110 lbs!! I haven't weighed that since 8th grade! Equally as disturbing, I picked up a magazine in a waiting room this week, and there was a story about how Britany Spears lost 15 pounds in one month and looks great--so says the media. Well...one of the captions with before and after photos said "Here's Brittany at 5' 4" and a HUSKY 123 lbs. Now she's down to 108 and looking great." Are they kidding???? So when America collectively nodded their heads in agreement that Brittany was fat and sloppy at the Music Awards, she still only weighed 123 pounds!! Shame, shame on all of us. I can't remember which magazine it was...there was a stack of the usual suspects-- People, Glamour, etc. Regardless, "Husky" and "at 5'4" and 123 pounds" should never be used in the same sentence. It's no wonder 50% of girls aged 9 admit to being on a diet at least once in their (short, impressionable) lives!
May 30, 2008 10:13 PM
I have been in a few classes where we've discussed physical expectations for women, the media's obsession with it, consequences such as anorexia, etc. Did you know the average height for a model is 5' 10" and their average weight is 110. 110 lbs!! I haven't weighed that since 8th grade! Equally as disturbing, I picked up a magazine in a waiting room this week, and there was a story about how Britany Spears lost 15 pounds in one month and looks great--so says the media. Well...one of the captions with before and after photos said "Here's Brittany at 5' 4" and a HUSKY 123 lbs. Now she's down to 108 and looking great." Are they kidding???? So when America collectively nodded their heads in agreement that Brittany was fat and sloppy at the Music Awards, she still only weighed 123 pounds!! Shame, shame on all of us. I can't remember which magazine it was...there was a stack of the usual suspects-- People, Glamour, etc. Regardless, "Husky" and "at 5'4" and 123 pounds" should never be used in the same sentence. It's no wonder 50% of girls aged 9 admit to being on a diet at least once in their (short, impressionable) lives!
May 30, 2008 10:13 PM
Friday, May 30, 2008
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
In consideration of our discussion about the media-imposed portrayal of women, I began to think about whether I am--though we all think we're immune-- a product of the media's expectations of gender roles. I know I am a "girlie-girl" in a hair/shoes/makeup/nails/shopping/shoes/flowers/valentines/did I say shoes?/romance/spa-day/hand-holding kind-of-way. There are other aspects of my life where I don't necessarily subscribe to society's rules and expectations for me as a woman, and I do it my way. But there are times when being traditional-mommy seems like it would be good for my kids, and I try-- really I do. So one day when I was really stressed and under a bunch of deadlines and I was mommy-on-demand for my 14 month old, I started to crumble. But before I did, I made a really mean & selfish comment to the baby (she couldn't possibly know what I was saying) in an attempt to make myself feel better. I started mumbling about how if it wasn't for her, I'd be waxed, and plucked, and tanned, and highlighted, and massaged, and manicured, and coiffured, and bejeweled, and designer-dressed, and perfumed, and de-wrinkled, and botoxed, and surgically enhanced, and...I think I went on for twenty or so minutes. And then I felt awful. I decided that confessing this horrific maternal disgrace to a very few (exactly three: one close friend and two family members) would absolve the guilt I feel every time I look at my sun-shiny, happy, brilliant, smiley, toe-headed miracle. My aunt, who is one of the chosen three and is such because she is the 58 year old version of me (though much wiser and more educated than I) sent the following. She knew I would cherish it forever and would share it appropriately. Consider yourself warned if you can (a) locate and (b) know how to use the attachments on your vacuum and (c) this is relevant because you haven't hired a cleaning person since you "can do it better." Enjoy:
THE WORLD 'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE...
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry
me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after
and went shopping, dancing, yachting, drank martini's, always had
a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she
wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many
lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself.
She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore
friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self
esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in everything
including sweat pants and was pleasant all the time. The End.
THE WORLD 'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE...
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry
me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after
and went shopping, dancing, yachting, drank martini's, always had
a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she
wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many
lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself.
She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore
friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self
esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in everything
including sweat pants and was pleasant all the time. The End.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Response to Dori's Week#2 Blog
As a parent of a child who so is so convicted about being a "girl", this would be a tough one. I would think that they would have considered ongoing therapy at least for the sake of dealing with the societal issues and reactions from peers as Jennifer mentioned. It definitely would be hard to decide between being true to oneself or being trapped inside a body that did not feel as it belonged to them.There is however, mention in our text that "although the first few years are important in shaping gender, they are not absolute determinants of our gender across the life span." It goes on to say that our understanding of gender and of our personal gender identity change over time as we develop personally and as we interact with diverse people who embody alternative versions of masculinity and femininity. It will be interesting to see how this boy's story develops over time.
May 23, 2008 5:29 PM
May 23, 2008 5:29 PM
Mars and Venus Revisited
It’s probably a safe assumption to say that those of you who know John Gray (Wood mentions in the text) are married—or were! For those who don’t, he’s the guy who’s made a gazillion dollars talking, writing, and selling millions of products about how men’s & women’s communication is different through his book called “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” (and a whole assortment of similarly named media). I’m not a Gray disciple, but I was stuck in the car once on a very long ride to a customer while the Vice President of the company was driving/multi-tasking on the way by listening to Gray’s book on audio in an attempt to save his marriage. (Interestingly enough, the VP came out of the closet and moved in with his gay lover from New Orleans shortly before the company was bought out by a huge multi-national corp.) Though Wood seems to discredit John Gray in our text, most of her points are the same that Gray makes only worded differently.
One of the biggest male-female communication misunderstandings used to happen weekly, if not daily at our house. Because I know this, I try desperately to avoid it. It’s the “I just want to vent because I’ve had a hard day and I’m a woman and venting is my preferred method of stress management and I’m going to vent to you because you’re my husband and you’re standing in front of me but just listen to me and let me roll on with it or you’re going to force me to call my best friend but while I’m talking just listen and look like you care and when I’m done don’t offer up some primitive piece of advice like “just ignore it” to make yourself feel better for “fixing it” because then I’ll know you weren’t listening and all I want is to vent, feel better, and move on and not fix anything at all which you can’t understand because you are a man.” So to summarize: Women are from Venus and want to communicate by verbally throwing up all over you and will feel better for it (dontcha always feel better after puking?) and men are from Mars and want to fix things and won’t feel better until they do. And when we refuse their help and accuse them of not communicating they don’t get it and we get hurt. Soooooooo….I’ve learned to vent to my friends and speak to my husband like I would one of the guys. For instance, I skip the complaining and what should I do about “x” conversation (that’s for the girls) and start with him at the point of “I’m thinking of doing x”, “what do you think? Would that work for us?” and let him fix it. So I’m not ignoring the fact that this is a marriage and it’s important to both of us and we do need to communicate—but I’m putting it at his level. Trust me, it works. Get over the fact that he’s not the one to dump on when he walks in the door. This leads me to the next point…
When we vent all over them, we give them the fodder for calling “us” nags, bitches, complainers, never happy, just like our mothers, etc. etc. Stereotyping at its worst! I want my husband to like me as much as love me. And I want to like him back just as much. We are different, that’s why we’re in this class after all. But all it takes is just a little practice and you’re whole galaxy will be a happier place.
One of the biggest male-female communication misunderstandings used to happen weekly, if not daily at our house. Because I know this, I try desperately to avoid it. It’s the “I just want to vent because I’ve had a hard day and I’m a woman and venting is my preferred method of stress management and I’m going to vent to you because you’re my husband and you’re standing in front of me but just listen to me and let me roll on with it or you’re going to force me to call my best friend but while I’m talking just listen and look like you care and when I’m done don’t offer up some primitive piece of advice like “just ignore it” to make yourself feel better for “fixing it” because then I’ll know you weren’t listening and all I want is to vent, feel better, and move on and not fix anything at all which you can’t understand because you are a man.” So to summarize: Women are from Venus and want to communicate by verbally throwing up all over you and will feel better for it (dontcha always feel better after puking?) and men are from Mars and want to fix things and won’t feel better until they do. And when we refuse their help and accuse them of not communicating they don’t get it and we get hurt. Soooooooo….I’ve learned to vent to my friends and speak to my husband like I would one of the guys. For instance, I skip the complaining and what should I do about “x” conversation (that’s for the girls) and start with him at the point of “I’m thinking of doing x”, “what do you think? Would that work for us?” and let him fix it. So I’m not ignoring the fact that this is a marriage and it’s important to both of us and we do need to communicate—but I’m putting it at his level. Trust me, it works. Get over the fact that he’s not the one to dump on when he walks in the door. This leads me to the next point…
When we vent all over them, we give them the fodder for calling “us” nags, bitches, complainers, never happy, just like our mothers, etc. etc. Stereotyping at its worst! I want my husband to like me as much as love me. And I want to like him back just as much. We are different, that’s why we’re in this class after all. But all it takes is just a little practice and you’re whole galaxy will be a happier place.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Response to Jenai's Blog on May 12th, 10:37 pm
Children absolutely absorb and internalize the feedback they get in response to their behaviors. Negative and positive reinforcement is soooo effective on a small child. For instance, at a very young age (around 18 months) my daughter started imitating everything she saw the Disney Princesses do on the videos she watched. Interestingly enough, she didn't imitate the male characters or actors except for Dick Van Dyke ("Burt") in Mary Poppins-- I think she loved his dancing. She learned to curtsy, dance, "dip", bow, shake hands, and perform all sorts of mannerisms and body actions that any of her "favorite" characters displayed. But then, I have to consider, did they quickly become her favorites because we cheered and clapped and told her how beautiful she looked and what a great dancer she was? Our reinforcement of her imitating the beautiful princesses was all that was needed to send her on her way. Next came the dresses, shoes and other accessories (thank you Disney store) and a trip to Disney World to seal our fate. She carried a magic wand for about 6 months and wouldn't leave the house in anything that didn't have a crinolin skirt fluffing around her (we put the flouncy dresses right over her clothes all winter). Since she's had the opportunity to interact with more kids lately (park, play group, etc.) she's learning to play rough with the boys and stopped curtsying-- guess she hadn't seen that one in use in public anywhere. But for the first two years of her life, she mostly had us- all adults and a 16 yr old sister with a houseful of teenage friends. There weren't any other little ones around, so Disney princesses were her reference to what girls should be. Scary to consider, but she is a really good dancer and singer for 2 1/2 yrs old! But she's still a mimic, and when my father-in-law puts a curled fist up to his mouth and clears his throat in a very manly geture, Kai does the same thing after she coughs or chokes on something. It's hysterical to watch, but certainly eye-opening to the ways in which they learn.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Week #1 Class Business
There are so many people who contribute to our lives (and the lives of our children)—whether as hands-on caregivers or inspirationally. It’s been said that it takes a village to raise a child, and I believe it’s as true now as when it was originally spoken (or written?).
Growing up, my family was the traditional mom, dad, brother and me model. When my younger brother became school-aged, mom went back to work. Neighbors, friends, and grandparents helped out with “before” and “after” care over the years.
As I got older, there were many others whom-- like my favorite aunt, my first boss who is a Real Estate icon in Middlesex County and referred to herself as my “Jewish Mother”, my best friend’s brother who died of AIDS after a 9 year battle, and my former mother-in-law (what is the PC name for her since divorcing her son?...) -- contributed as either caregiver or influencer or both and helped me formulate who I am. They cared for me physically, but also taught me many things like to be honest, proud, fair, cynical, caring, loving, and empathetic, among others.
I don’t think Hallmark or any ecard could ever come close to describing who and what these people are to me—and some will affect still yet another generation, my children. Could there possibly be one word to describe them? Friend? Nurturer? Teacher? Guru? Nurse? Like Muir said, “we’re all hitched to the universe”. Are they all just the fabric of a collective soul? Are they each a square in my “quilt of life”? Maybe. And if so, perhaps I celebrate them each day of my life because I carry them with me wherever I go. And this Mother’s Day, when my two girls celebrate the person they call “mom”, they actually are celebrating all the people, places, conversations, songs, tears, and joys that have touched my life. Maybe Muir should have petitioned Hallmark for “Universe Day”
Growing up, my family was the traditional mom, dad, brother and me model. When my younger brother became school-aged, mom went back to work. Neighbors, friends, and grandparents helped out with “before” and “after” care over the years.
As I got older, there were many others whom-- like my favorite aunt, my first boss who is a Real Estate icon in Middlesex County and referred to herself as my “Jewish Mother”, my best friend’s brother who died of AIDS after a 9 year battle, and my former mother-in-law (what is the PC name for her since divorcing her son?...) -- contributed as either caregiver or influencer or both and helped me formulate who I am. They cared for me physically, but also taught me many things like to be honest, proud, fair, cynical, caring, loving, and empathetic, among others.
I don’t think Hallmark or any ecard could ever come close to describing who and what these people are to me—and some will affect still yet another generation, my children. Could there possibly be one word to describe them? Friend? Nurturer? Teacher? Guru? Nurse? Like Muir said, “we’re all hitched to the universe”. Are they all just the fabric of a collective soul? Are they each a square in my “quilt of life”? Maybe. And if so, perhaps I celebrate them each day of my life because I carry them with me wherever I go. And this Mother’s Day, when my two girls celebrate the person they call “mom”, they actually are celebrating all the people, places, conversations, songs, tears, and joys that have touched my life. Maybe Muir should have petitioned Hallmark for “Universe Day”
Monday, May 12, 2008
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